2007: Smoke on this Illinois

Current mood: enlightened

To call me a cynic would be redundant. With that being my nature, I'm indeed skeptical about the health risk of second hand smoke.

The smog clouds in LA and Mexico City are not caused by people lighting up tobacco products. It is from industrial pollution, motor vehicles, and quite possibly the Mexican community lighting their farts.

Hey, if I was part of the Hispanic race which is associated with excessive flatulence, I know that's what I'd be doing. That's what I'd think about so called patriots and their illegal border patrol.

Of course, the Lady Liberty only wants the hungry, weak, and huddled masses. She says nothing about the gassy.

Discussing farts brings me to the main point of my argument. I have yet to see a cigarette set off a Carbon Monoxide monitor.

On two separate occasions, after eating two pounds of Gardner's mild wings, my brother's unconscious farting set off our house's CO detector. He may have been twelve years-old at the time.

Until I heard the beeps, I was in a deep sleep of rare occurrence. Perhaps the fumes were consuming me. My brother did not wake to the noise, so he may have been near death. If it was not for me rushing to our bedroom door to release the gas, it may have resulted in his demise. I cannot help but wonder what kind of danger we would have faced if he had a tongue for spicier foods.

Now that we established that cigarettes are truly only dangerous to the user, why must we have a smoke-free Illinois?

If you have fully developed lungs, then you should be allowed to shove a pack of Red 100s up Governor Rod's ass. Unless you have children or small pets. In that case said pack should be unpacked and forced through your rectal cavity. Instead of 100s, lets make them wides.

As for large, uncute dogs...Roll over AND DIE Beethoven.

To allow us to anally rape our governor with a pack of smokes, protest is needed. Somehow, saving and dumping our butts on the steps of the capital building seems impractical, so my solution is that we start chewing tobacco.

Spitting is not necessarily illegal. Of course we should have the dignity to not do it on floors. Carrying a spit cup should do enough to get the point across to the nicotine Nazis.

Bars should install spittoons. Personally, I think a bar looses its charm without small waste receptacles like ash trays.

And what about the ashtray industry? They won't make as much money. People will lose jobs because I cannot have a cigarette with my double shot of Jager.

It goes beyond the ashtray manufactures. Job loss will occur in the novelty lighter business. Not only that, creativity will be discouraged because our engineers will give up on making the lighter that also works as a Wii controller.

These jobs that are lost will lead to people being laid off at the patent office. Without these dual-purpose lighters, there will be less patents to be filed.

And the lost of the dual lighter will lead to money being taken away from the convenience stores that once sold them. They would not be able to support so many employees. Soon, I'll be out of a job.

Governor B, why do you hate me? First you took away my fight nights and tough-man contests, now you take my alcoholic accessories. Why? I didn't vote for Ryan. Are my tax refunds too much? It's only $10 a year.

But look beyond me. With lesser incomes across the board, I can only ask, "WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN?"

Since our government only thinks about the anti-smoking lobbyist, we are force to accept my method of protest. Chew seems disgusting to me, and if my favorite Cubbies did not practice it, I probably would not have thought of it. This is a war, and we must be ready to make sacrifices, like our dignity and taste buds.

Sorry, not the taste buds. Thank the lord for metro flavors for smokeless tobacco. These flavors of Skoal, Timberwolve, Long Horn, and Red Seal could probably be cut with the excessively juicy Big League Chew.

As long as one remembers to have a smoke just before entering a public place, you maybe able to use bubble gum alone as your spit fuel. Perhaps even sunflower seeds. Just be sure to have your cup.

It does not matter what you chew as long as you spit. SPIT in the face of tyranny. SPIT for freedom of expression. SPIT because that is what our founding fathers did.

SPIT to show your true American colors. CHERRY, NATURAL, and MINT. God bless the RED, BROWN, and BLUE.