Does humor end with well thought out dead kid jokes?
Would not the last thing a "Make a Wish" kid want to see is the celebrity that they wished to see? They know after the meeting is over, it is back to that pesky terminal label. Pro wrestler John Cena provides the most wishes. Maybe it is having 23 to 30 years of experience on these kids, but if I was meeting my wrestling hero, I would like them to end my life with their finishing move/hold. What better way to end my days than to party with the Hulkster and then get leg dropped to heaven?
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And I wonder why I am single. No really? Surely there is someone on OKCupid that is game for addressing such a query, appreciating the effort and having a little faith to spend, at worst, three hours with me. With no more JRR Tolkein adaptations being prepped for the big screen, how can I expect more time?
Maybe this is the point to give up on the online dating. I would like limit this consideration to the free dating sites, but Zoosk left a bad taste in my mouth. Perhaps if the site would have lead me to a scenario where I could literally have found a bad taste for said mouth, I would think differently
My latest exploration of OKCupid left me with too many words to tweet and too few to blog. Worst of all, it leaves me in a tough spot in trying to figure out how to reiterate my planned YouTube video, "Guy Does Finishing Moves on Zombies," to promote "Main Event of the Dead," my proposed pro-wrestling/zombie comedy. For a treatment of this B-Movie screenplay, send me an e-mail to russthebus07@gmail.com.
Maybe I should not blame online dating for my loneliness. I might just be in love with my own text. Hence the re-re-issue of one of my more popular blogs "40 Years is Enough." Who knows? Maybe this will give you a better insight into my talent as a writer.
40 Years is Enough (new incites)
Working at a gas station, you notice weird things. Kevin Smith, the best screenwriter of the nineties (I am not saying he is the best auteur, and Quentin Tarantino did not work as much), career was based on it.
Working at a gas station in the Peoria area, the nation's test market (we get new stuff for three months, and have to wait 10 years for their return [20 to 30 years if it is one of those rock bands local radio promotes]) you see a lot of crappy products.
Today, Hershey's chocolate-flavored Bubble Yum.
I turn to my fellow associate to say, "This product will no't sell. I hope they kill whoever came up with such a stupid idea in the name of natural selection."
After the disturbed chuckle of my coworker, I rethought my statement. It was not fair in terms of Darwinism.
"That guy should not die. He should be commended for finding people dumb enough to fund it. The people who gave the product their approval should."
Makes me question which came first, the Nazis or Hitler? No Hitler, no War War through the efforts of dumb Germans. No dumb Germans, no Hitler. If that is not a shout out to my English pride, what is? I guess that is why the chicken or the egg is the universal, less offensive query.
I for one feel that no one deserves to die (and the trolls associate me with whom they think should be executed...but that is another tale), but the world is over populated. The herd needs to be thinned. Trying to stay humorous, I think back to "Family Guy's" episode where Brian tells his therapist about his "Logan's Run" dream.
Cinema history lesson. Logan's Run is a sci-fi film from the seventies that earned a best special effects Oscar nomination for overly potent scribs (explosive charges used to simulate bullet marks [laser burns in this film's context]).
The plot is that after our world is essentially destroyed (nukes, war, I came in late on this flick), the remaining population developed a dome society where robots do everything for the people. To allow for this society to efficiently exist, when you turn 30 you are killed. Most people accept it, but of course, not everyone is so pro choice 363 trimesters in.
Logan, our main character who is on one of the execution squads that tracks down the runners, has turned 30, and has decided he's in the wrong.
My coworker asked "was this the flick with Robert Duvall?" No, Michael York is the star. "THX1138" is Duvall's role from the even more confusing George Lucas film.
Thirty. Despite my state of mind right now, I think I may still need three more years if my hopeless ass can hang in there. But do I need thirteen. Hell, Hendrix, Joplin, Morrison, Cobain, 2-Pac...they all did it in 27.
So I propose euthanasia at 40.
What is there for anyone to accomplish after 40?
Politics? Come on who would not like to see Bush euthanized?
Art? Stanley Kubrick even realized some projects are left to the younger directors. Like Jimmi Hendrix who achieved more just playing covers.
Technology? When did Bill Gates steal DOS and Windows? What good has he done since then (my apologies Mr. Gates...scratch that...I have a premise to maintain)?
Who needs technology if the risks are eliminated? What do you need to improve if the risks are eliminated? What do people under 40 have to fear disease wise? Leukemia, testicular cancer, and cervical cancer...
AIDS? With the cocktail, you should not die till after 40. It would be wiped out.
40 years is the age where you start having the awkward procedures to increase the length of your life (I found out that may start at 33, so eat healthy kids).
What straight guy is not fearing a prostate exam? I've heard all the bitching my mom offers about the mamagram procedure.
So if life ends at 40, men do not get a finger up their ass. Women will not have to go through Botox to keep there men from going after younger tail.
Plus the biological clock issues. Are you telling me women look forward to menopaus?
My little sister asked about child raising? She said, "You cannot parent as long as you should." I told her, "Your major is childhood development. This would give you more work."
If you only have 40 years to live, you would be a lot more productive with the knowledge that your life can be a waste (I may have found the true flaw to that York flick. If the characters had to work for something, they would understand the rules better).
You wanna be a teacher for a decade, no more keg stands. You wanna be a parent, get your kids fast and love every minute of it.
The most important thing about death at forty is it would weed out the weirdest people. Who on earth goes to med school to become a proctologist? Someone who has a fascination with assholes, or a person who could not succeed in any other medical field (Hell, if death comes at forty, will we need rim docs?)
Am I the right person for this rant. Perhaps not. I feel burned out and hopeless. I cannot do much more with my life. I fought my ass off to be this loser, and a lot of the time it seems like a waiting game (thank the gods smartphones came a long in the eight years since the original post).
Then again, I always want to be productive, and I work best with deadlines.
Obviously, my argument is not fair. My grandmother was full of knowledge that I try to use everyday. No one should deny my grandfather or father the time to give the love that they did/do (Grandpa could have practiced equality, but then my dad may have felt like he was just going through the motions with my siblings and me). If you want to keep living, please earn it.
So I have developed a fair way of euthanasia.
When you turn forty, you get a choice. All of the difficulties of the slide down the hill, or you get to choose your method of execution. I got this from "Monty Python's Meaning of Life."
For example: a man is given a choice. A prostate exam or have intercourse with Scarlett Johansson (I am actually a Keira Knightley fan myself), and she is on top. Your head will be laid across a guilatine base, and she is holding the rope to the blade. When you cum, she drops the blade.
You cannot convince me that a quarter of our society will not take the nut and cut option. Thus, the herd is thinned out.
I think all of this is pretty clever. Maybe even intelligent. Then again, I am not at a Big Ten school, I am at a truck stop.
After working at about any kind of gas station, one gets fed up with the most ridiculous customers. Surely, this world could use less ridicule.
Maybe this is my work of genius (at least until "Main Event of the Dead" is produced). Einstein came up with the theory of relativity and he worked as a patent officer, a clerk of like me.
Then again, I may just be a closet prude. Either way, I would love feed back.
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