I have seemingly given the impression to many that I am a negative person, void of optimism. If that were the case, how could I be a Newcastle United and Chicago Cubs fan?
Before you say, "that maybe where your negativity stems from," imagine where I would be without those clubs to cheer about? Is the positive about going cold turkey not resisting the evil that is present? And the Cubbies and Magpies are not evil. At least I do not believe you place faith in something that is evil.
Junkies are dependent on drugs, but they don't put faith in them solving their problems. If the Welps or the Toonies win a championship, we know everything must be right with the world.
I think my issue is that I am just too honest. If you ask how I am doing, I will let you know. When you have lacked what you have needed to be happy for the majority of adulthood, it is tough to be cheery. And compensating by being clever and sarcastic either wears thin or is not understood.
My dispute of the negative impression is that I keep fighting. My (the) world may suck, but I cannot sit back and let it continue to do that. In other words, I want to be happy. It's just tough to reach that status...when the job you took on says they cannot help you like they did because they made assumptions...when you get shingles 15 years sooner than most...when your car's windshield gets splintered...when your groin is strained from getting on the mechanical bull to make sure the birthday girl would take up the same challenge...then there is the cavity...
Well, that was my last week. Fortunately, I abandoned the wagon, so my drunkenness has not made my Twitter feed too morose. At least in my opinion. No one ever tells me otherwise.
With my past experiences, I think I am not very down because I am just prepping for things to get worse. When I left partial hospitalization for depression, my mindset had not changed. My therapist would probably say it is because I did not accept the lessons in coping. If you can cope, you will allow things to get better.
This left me feeling more helpless. It felt like I was being told to quit pursuing my passion because they did not believe it was feasible. Just make a living and it will work out despite there is no reason to believe it will work out. You know when part of the therapy for me was reading Shel Silverstein's "The Missing Piece," you know they think you are fucked...or your just a visual learner...or you are dense enough to be impressed by Silverstein's simplest illustrations (they get the point across, but are dependent on the text. Shel was capable of images that told the story).
I brought this up to the man I respected most who did his best to understand, and at least took a different approach than anyone with OSF. "Can it get any worse." A question said as a statement to imply that it couldn't.
And then I am trying to put out a guy who did not realize that zen meditation is needed to make death by fire a good way to self extinguish.
And then you are getting cursed by family for turning to someone who at least understood my hardheaded nature. The same family members who says any relationship with the "well-meaning" will improve your situation...thus say it is my fault that no one gives a shit about me.
At least the WWE Network is free this month, and "Game of Thrones" starts up Sunday. I will have material that I can hashtag RAW for next Monday to spawn some views.
WWE and "Game of Thrones." Why didn't I look to these things for an easy Wrestling Compadres pop from the get go? Or at least discovered it before the first page down on this entry. Maybe no one gives a shit because I'm broken. So that is why it is so hard to get my "friends" to e-mail ideas to russthebus07@gmail.com on how to promote my low-budget zombie/pro-wrestling screenplay "Main Event of the Dead" (script treatments available upon request).
No comments:
Post a Comment