Been popping more Ativan and it isn't just because of the new job. It is just because hope keeps trying to prove that it exists. I'm not saying it doesn't exist, but to me it is nothing more than a cruel mistress. Like I need anymore of them.
Perhaps things are turning around for me. I can move out of the cell that my parents and older sister provide me with, I can finally have a cat of my own, but in the end the inevitable question is what is next.
Does anyone really see me making friends at a call center? Everyone who doesn't understand that the cog in the in a functioning machine doesn't get to tell the operator shit just seems too sensitive. The training class turned on me for being a true Cubs fan (which demands an abandonment of the Southside) and being a gentlemen.
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All the friends I had from local wrestling have abandoned me. My best friends seem to have just grown up. Others have wisely moved beyond Peoria, so every time I go out, I'm alone.
It was Soul Asylum who said "Nothing attracts a crowd, like another crowd"
So without a crowd of young toughs to accompany me, making new friends doesn't seem to be in the picture. Unless bartenders start directing people my way. Too bad I'm too broke to support anyone else's alcoholism.
Even when I had guys to hang out with, meeting...fuck...I'll just say it girls didn't happen. I'm just the awkward friend (who happens to be knowledgeable and more understanding). A girl may become my best friend, but that is all they can be. I'm just a fuck up who always gets passed over, never given a chance to prove that I'm out to be the better man.
I guess I can't really relate the girl issue to just the crowd shit. Fuck, I just can't get any where. If I try to show interest, I'm politely ignored.
I don't work on fucking implications alright. If you want to set fucking rules, tell me. If you want me to just stay out.
TELL ME TO FUCK OFF!!!
Don't play fucking games, I am sure as hell not going to do that to you.
Of course, I got to hold on to hope. This to the world, just do me a fucking favor and stop trying to make me feel hopeful. The past six years have been hell because no matter what I do to get over my shit, I'm told or given reasons to be hopeful. And all during all this time, nothing ever works out, hope is for not.
Just fucking acknowledge I am hopeless, so I finally figure out how it's going to end.
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