Current mood: drained
I know I have few worthwhile qualities, but film criticism seems to be one of them. Add unemployment to the mix, my oxygen consumption should be considered felonious if I do not use the only thing I have going for me right now.
As my fate seemingly dictates (according to the Jet Li classic "Tai Chi Master"), it is not currently an act to partake in. February has usually been an off month, and this year follows in that trend. Yes, I have not seen "The Wrestler" or "The Reader", but it is quite difficult to find a place within reasonable proximity to Peoria to catch a 2'ish showing of either one. Happy hour is reserved for the Stat Boy Hour on ESPN.
Perhaps the date is truly unlucky because film criticism is proving quite difficult since nothing worthwhile is opening. My "Friday the 13th" blog from last week would be considered hypocritical if I was to see the film. "The International" attacks my almost religious faith in hoping for the return of responsible capitalism, and "Shopaholic" is an emasculating scare. So how can one find a cheap replacement for the emotionally bankrupt offerings from ***Southern California this week? And be clever about it?
***May this statement not reflect poorly on the adult film industry. That Aurora Snow has heart. With some of her scenes, I can swear that I've literally seen it.
Hopefully you followed my public service announcement last week, and resisted going to see the new "Jason". Now I hope I can provide you with some encouraging of the abuse of fine British thespians.
The International, the quote whore's (whose name was conveniently placed in white over white scenery in its TV spots) "ideal picture for our time." This quote laid the opposing argument that prevents me from seeing Clive Owen's latest.
So, the ideal film is for a socialist to bring down a bank. Excuse me. Recession? Obama-ism gone wild? What is the deal?
I have a savings account and a pension, and they come through a conglomerate. Is this not evidence that the insignificant are going to be punished if the film's idealistic prick(s) succeed?
Never mind the fact that murder can be good business. The USS Maine (right...Spain did it), Pearl Harbor (are you sure that we were sure the Nips were going to attack Australia?), JFK (CIA's insurance policy cashed), The Turk, The Heads of the Five Families, Heiman Roth, etc. All examples of the profitability of timely deaths.
No action flicks, so my final option is "Confessions of a Shopaholic." Isla Fisher is hot, and my tendencies toward crazy redheads are well documented. Still, to put up with a chick flick, I either need to see a naked Jolie or a chance to play Pitt afterwards.
I didn't need the realization of the shallowness behind my feminist film selections, or refresh my knowledge of the seemingly impossibility of events that could lead me to a chick flick. Sad since I am curious about the content of "He's Just Not that into You."
Needless to say, Valentines Day weekend has not offered me a reason to pay $8 for two hours I could use on manufacturing gimmicks to sell in what seems to be an ever more unlikely return to the ring. Fortunately in this quest for Cinema...Cinema...Cinema, I remain tenacious. Unfortunately, I also remain thrifty.
If the multiplex cannot help my need to potentially rip a director an intellectual orifice, I shall turn to the recent DVD releases...that are under $10 and delightfully tacky. Sadly, the latest Steven Segal "fat martial artist versus vampire" movie is still $20 at Wal-Mart.
Also, I did not need to know about the economic downturn affecting the B-Movie rental market. Before Christmas, I could rent the ICP knock off starring Raven "Death Race 2000" (who needs Statham when you can choose vintage Stallone). Now, Chris Kattan and Jessica Simpson star in the lowest budgeted flicks at the $1 a day kiosk.
At least I know the downturn is hurting the Juggalos. Lets us all take solace in that.
Yet to give up, I turn to free movies on demand. To my dismay, Fearnet's vocations to Voorhees severely limited their offering. What I want is people not to see "Jason I, or is it XI, or is it XII", so I can't turn to the original series. All I had to find was something free, more worthwhile than a hockey poser, and something that would remind me not to entertain the thought of watching "Slap Shot 3".
So I was elated to find Louis Gossett Jr. starring in "Iron Eagle 4: Doug Masters Rides Again".
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