Hope Is the Stab in the Back Instead of the Slap in the Face

Yes, this part of the blog isn't very optimistic. It just happens to define the result for something I really hope go wells that inevitably blows up in my face.

Film expert, critic, screenwriter...I got two complete drafts if anyone has money to produce it...SIX fucking years of customer service. All of those define me, but it's been 48 hours, and I guess they don't equal Video Store clerk. I'll hang the boots up for a DVD's, but fate deems that I'm not doing enough.

Like with college. Mom finally gives me a comforting "okay, you can go to school this semester" instead of the bitter "your father wants to retire soon", and now the classes I need to knock out a Mass Communications degree are closed up. Some of them have got to be due to lack of interest, but still, I won't even get to take the Web Media Production course despite my professional certification from the college I'm taking classes at.

A personal blog with just one obscenity...Guess I'm not feeling to bad. But I'm not feeling to bad because of hope. That makes one bitter bastard. Could I at least be an inglorious one?

Now I'll leave you with the real depressing stuff, but I'll post my Domo Banner for my anime blog to try getting a smile.

Speed up if you see me crossing the road.
Current mood:  crushed

To answer a the question Basement Jaxx posed, "Where's your head at?"

Not many have been made aware of the excitement of the last weekend for me. It's lead to a lot of reflection. Basically, I live because I don't want to be an asshole.

I wish I could live for the wrestling business, but the assholes in Springfield, Peoria, and Chicago won't allow it. The wrestling business owes me nothing, but there are plenty in the business in every fed I've worked who are comfortable with never acknowledging my efforts or to even let it come to their mind that they owe me. I've been fucking dreaming about the business every night, and I just want to fucking die. The thought that I'll have to beg to those who owe me to get back where I should be, defeats my efforts.

But then again, I'm simply defeated. Hunter S. Thompson said that being aware of the option to commit suicide is the only way to the stay sane. That lucky fuck.

I am not being vain, but I not going to give you incite on those I care for. After this weekend, I know that if I offed myself, the pain to others could ruin so many important people. Fuck Thompson and his legend.

I am the foot note. Important to many, but that's where it stops. Pursuing a "regular life" is painful, and pursuing my dreams are insane.

I officially hate living, because that's all I can do. In the end, I lose those I care for, so I'm free to die, and that's all I'm free to do, because all the dreams are gone.

Sorry for this downer. I really wanted to write about my latest coping efforts, but those would not give you the incite into how gone I truly am.