PHP: My issue isn't just a lack of twat

March 20, 2007

I had to struggle to get to the keyboard to type up my latest blog.  I warn you that it isn't going to be very optimistic. It may feel like you had to deal with me in person.

Wake up an hour late for PHP today. With that statement, I now hope this was just a case of the Mondays.

This pissed me off because I actually got to bed early last night.  Got to bed for a shitty sleep, waking up several times and having pessimistic dreams as I slept.  What was the point?

I get to PHP in the middle of group therapy.  Last one there, last to talk.  That was my choice, and probably the better choice judging that the group wouldn't give me a chance to go into what I wanted to deal with.

What can I say?  I'm over with the group.  They want to know about the adventures of Russ Staley anyway.

My dilemma rose from wrestling this weekend.  Well, not wrestling, but being at New Midwest.  Did I go into the immediate problem right away?  No, I just went on to tell how it is getting tougher since I'm trying a lot harder since this is the only passion I have.

"Whoa!  Only one passion.  He must only have one problem.  This will be easy to solve," was what I interpreted to be the group's impression of me.  With one exception, everyone went into solution mode.

Back to the big question.  The miracle question.  What do you need to be happy?  Same answers: purpose, a significant relationship, and the ability to achieve.

Sorry to disappoint you with the description of the excitement level of group therapy.  It must seem to you that it is as repetitive as my blogs.

What is the easiest problem to solve?  The world must totally be like Jason Mewes.  The answer is universal:  Pussy.

Again.  Do this activity despite you have no interest in it.  Force yourself to take interest in something.  Don't try to find a relationship.  It will find you.

Damn! Has everyone taken a Hippocratic Oath

I'm sorry hypocritical oath.  I left last week feeling like I am doing what is true to me, and that was fine.  That was the right thing to do and be glad you are doing the right thing.

But now, since I am not getting laid, I'm not meeting a need.  I have to stop looking for a significant person and let fate drop one in my lap (preferred location) in a place I don't want to be, but where God wants me to be.

Advice from people who have purpose.  Who have reasons to look forward I don't think there is any wonder to how I felt when a teenage nursing student gave me this advice.

I went left that session distraught from the notion that the group they could come up with solutions for my problems.

I'll give the lord props for letting the rest of the day be about learning how to manage anger.

People say I'm too hard on myself, but I can be critical about anyone.

As all the readers sigh.  "Oh great.  We should have heeded Russ's warning about this blog's realism."

Solutions are something someone has to find on their own.  I came into PHP looking for my solutions.  In groups, I give my opinion, but I won't give solutions.

What I need is someone who won't judge me, and give me a chance to be something more significant than a best friend.  To support me like I'd support to them, so that we can become a greater entity.  Kind of like "Ghost in the Shell".  Buddism for the people who think anime is stupid.  Philistines.

Group is telling me that it isn't going to happen unless I take their advice.  I am really disappointed in the counselors because they inevitably try to do the same thing.

At least my regular therapist suggested PHP to me.  He said, "If I didn't have faith in you, I'd take action to keep you safe (I'm assuming Methodist Psych Ward)."

It's hard to imagine that I quoted Jarvis Cocker to state discontent about not being a common person.  Thank god for letting the Internet prove I did.  That it was real (I'm trying to relate to my atheistic friends).

I have to deal with reality.  Perception supposedly determines one's reality which I'll agree to.  My reality is shitty, but what's real in the world supports it, and I can only deal with what is real.  I don't want to escape from it.

At least not physically (punching bag, exercise, etc.).  Forcing my will on to anything feels wrong when it's my problem.  This is my burning hand.  This is my pain.  I am Jack's sense of futility.

When a counselor defined my actions as insanity (repeating the same task expecting a different result), I countered with living seems that way.  Again.  This resulted in her expressing that this sounds like someone who doesn't want to grow take the steps to grow.

No, I don't want to betray myself.  I want the person I am now to grow.  If I can't conquer the situations I'm comfortable in (chicks in the bar scene versus AC girls, wrestling versus the office), how can I conquer my problems.

This may have been a nice lead into what was on my mind the last two days.  Oh if there weren't so many voices.

What I wanted to talk about was after the show, my trainer saw me standing around and said, "mingle, you look bored."

I had nothing to say, but the business is about drawing attention to yourself.  Let the people like Russ Stevens so that they want Russ Staley to be in the locker room because he is a likable guy.  Not because he can put on an awesome match (talking in the hypothetical you Iowan marks).

This made me feel shitty.  I'm being me, but that isn't good enough.  So I went to a bar that wasn't my scene, so I could be one of the guys.  Again, the only people who mattered were those demanding attention.  I was the last to leave the club.  Trying to socialize, but no one gave me a chance.

I don't have the personality to make it.  In wrestling or the world.  These are the things I want to conquer.  Things that most people have fallen into.

Be patient?  Most of these people have fallen into these scenarios by age 20.  Almost everyone has a sense of direction or legitimate causes to direct themselves to.

The choices I made in life were made in hopes of an ending.  I didn't leave myself with the resources to start over again.

All in.  I'm a good person.  "The Bad News Bears" and "Rocky" had sequels so that they could win.  But these weren't real.  Come on.  A five and a half foot heavyweight champ?

For me, I have to put on an alter ego.  To  lie to myself is the way to achieve what I need.

I'm sorry.  With the exception of Donahue, IA, I usually walk out of the venue with cash for playing a role that isn't me.