*** I have using the neither dead/live cat as a metaphor since 2014. There will be few mentions of actual cats in this blog. ***
I imagine with the holiday season, things will pick up at the current, non-retail job. If it has not been obvious, providing details about the current use of my customer service expertise is something that has been avoided in this blog. But, the type of business that is about to take place may shock me. By no means am I supporting lay away, but it has got to be better than anything involving interest rates that are not from Visa, Amex, Mastercard or Discovery.
Which Freudian concept am I to curse? Do not comment to correct me. I now know the concepts all revolve around the psychic apparatus that forms the psyche. And yes, thanks Wikipedia.
It is obvious that it is the id since the downturn in my emotional state started with a dream(s) about my wrestling career (or lack there of). The reason I questioned it was just to make sure that I got it right.
My girlfriend was telling me that the meanings of dreams are whatever you make them to be. And then she said she could direct me to resources that would help me interpret them for me. There must be issues with my super-ego and ego because I do not know how those two statements can coincide with each other. Sadly, this may sum up my relationship status.
Of course, Christmas gifts have been bought and I believe she has earned them, but my yearning to chase paths she cannot follow will probably make for a tough festive season. Wanting to laze about until I have to go and deal with late night Thanksgivings sales followed up by an opening shift at the day job instead of attending an extended family meal may exasperate things. If not tough merry months than the purely winter ones.
This is simply where my head is at now. I am hoping that is it. On the flipside, I am seeming to want to hold on to something that cannot be improved upon. It is like I am already solely responsible for it being stale. The things that have been said, especially the blatantly hurtful things that some feel valid reasoning behind, seem to be red flags catching a strong breeze.
If this does not work out, is it going to be 2007 all over again? Will I only have my dreams to chase? It sucks when the other party is well liked. They did not believe in my aspirations then, do I want to add another motive for them to discourage me now?
Can I even chase that brass ring with nothing else going on in my life? Wrestling fell apart because it was all that I had after the rest of my life was left in utter shambles. It was the only thing good in my life, and it was not working out like I needed it to. Without any positive relationships to pick me up, everything was pointless.
I am damn near 13 years older than I was then. It makes me wonder what I have done with my life if I am presented with the same scenario. That is one long-ass episode of "Russian Doll." Maybe I am just too attentive and have missed all my chances to die to restart the story back at meeting Stacia's biggest dependent's dealer.
It is either death or a trip back to the partial hospitalization program. Neither of those seem like good places to be. The one thing I would get the most shit for from my better quarter (the cat will always get half) is dying (the one thing she says I cannot do). As for PHP, cope does not help those without hope.
There should be a third option. Get busy living. Sadly, I do not have an Andy Dufresne to leave me a lunchbox with cash. Fuck, that tree is not even standing any more. The irony of having the last name Stevens.
Or I should just take any thing I can get a hold of and risk crossing the border to Zihuatanejo. The Pacific has no memory...then what was the point of all this blogging?
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