FMK: "The Velocipastor", "It's My Party and I'll Die If I Want To", "Main Event of the Dead".

 *Blog post started on December 10, 2020. "It's My Party and I'll Die If I Want To" review is from 2009.

 

 "The Velocipastor" is a film so set on being a B-movie, you admire its audacity to do so. It is a fun 70 minutes about a priest cursed by a Chinese dinosaur "tooth" who, a long with Carol the pre-med, pre-law hooker, takes on the challenge of Catholic drug-dealing ninjas.

 

"It's My Party and I'll Die If I Want To": The Catalyst for "Main Event of the Dead".

I suppose some credit should go to Christopher R. Mihm's "It Came from Another World" and of course the Drunken Zombie Deadly Double Features where I saw these films. The point is, when you see a bunch of amusing pictures that were made by a bunch of friends gathering together to make a thing, regardless of how nonexistent a budget was, why would you not think that you could do the same. Thus, I went from writing an indie flick about blueprints for my in ring wrestling return to what I thought would be an ode to the fledgling Peoria's wrestling scene.

This idea was over at Richard's on Main St. (i.e. the middle aged). Too bad the Pekin kids and Southside stoners never went out to the bars. Social media was also something that was not a big draw for these types in the early 20-teens. The Facebook traffic picked up, but the people you wanted to immortalize would only respond to me if I was calling them out for being racist assholes or self absorbed and ignorant wrestlers (To be fair, you can accuse me of being self absorbed, but I have never gone out to ruin anyone's life or make them feel less for that.).

Needless to say, I do not think the word had ever gotten to them that there was a chance to be covered in pasty makeup and Karo Syrup. More importantly, their in ring skills were to be documented and viewed by lesser film festivals and top level indie wrestling promotions. How can you say no to promoting yourself?

That sums up the Peoria wrestling scene. It is all about friends doing favors for other friends. Who needs merit and effort when you just have to score some boys some weed, make the high ones chuckle, or just kiss ass to the biggest and most obnoxious marks? As long as you are not looking for a pay day or show ambition to make a name for yourself, you are in.

So where does my pro-wrestling zom-com stand. I am still offering treatments of the script and looking for suggestions on how to get "Main Event of the Dead" out of development hell. (email russthebus07@gmail.com). The pandemic is also hurting the project because I have no way of improving my skills or finding people who would want to get involved with this feature. Of course 2020 was the year I wanted to get away from the keyboard and find those like-minded people.

It is coming up on 10 years of trying to live and die by this script. If you want me to have a New Year's Resolution, I suppose I will get my pilot script out for an idea that has been rattling in my brain the past four years. Too bad I feel gratuitous nudity is needed. That idea prevents YouTube from allowing me those producer and director credits I have been craving.

If you do not have a budget, bare skin can make up for those shortcomings. Too bad I do not know how to add zombies into the pilot idea. It leaves me short of presenting a classic like:

"It's My Party and I'll If I Want To" (2007): The Review

 

Tom Savini's hard nipples, a comic book opening with an eight-bit motif, a budget that was seemingly solely spent on scary contact lenses, and an Elvira costume-sporting, ginger karate expert with stunt tits are what Scotchworthy Productions delivers with their Halloween-themed clusterfest, "It's My Party and I'll Die If I Want To."

Sarah, a switchblade-wielding over achiever is down because it seems that all of her friends have forgotten her birthday. This is not the case because they are planning a wicked party for her at the abandoned Burkitt Manor. The mansion is infamous for the 15 murders that occurred there over the past 70 years. Little do they know that after Uncle Tom (Savini) turned the power on to the joint, evil has awoken.

"It's My Party..." story eventually gets all jumbled and, aside from the survivalism element, makes no sense once the action kicks in. Fortunately, there is plenty of gore to make all of the violence worthwhile.

Everything that Tony Wash's film has is over the top which is essential for an awesome B-Movie. Character generalizations, gratuitous nudity, and attempts to be clever: This picture knows what is is and wants to excel at.

Having not seen "Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead", this maybe the best no budget flick to have played Peoria (At least until "The Drunken Zombie International Film Festival" brought us the Soska Sisters' debut feature "Dead Hooker in a Trunk"). As long as you can deal with the low body count, "It's My Party and I'll Die if I Want To" has something for every fan of B-Movie horror. Rarely, do all the bloody pieces fit so well.

 

19 Awful(ly Funny) Horror Movie Titles - Buzzfeed

 

FMK: COVID-19, "American Ninja" Sequels, "Star Wars" Prequels.

*Blog post started on December 8, 2020.

A Text from Mom:

Dan Gable just got the Medal of Freedom from Trump. Neat

My Desired Response:

Well, he (Gable) got all the cartilage removed from his knees before he was 30, so great post career decisions can be questioned. You can say, "That was what the doctors recommended at the time." I will retort that you are demonizing Anthony Fauci for contradicting Trump because he would change his recommendations with further scientific knowledge.

James Gunn's "Slither" - A Cronenbergian Successor to "Gremlins"

At least she has yet to go off about the experimental Trump miracle cure that Dad and her received. I do not think she will acknowledge that this treatment may have possibly been what caused her husband's recent pulmonary embolism. When I spoke with Mom the day it occurred and after he had settled in and the emergency had passed, she told me that he said the hospital food was good.

The food was good and he was sounding great a day later. Funny because my older sister was over COVID-19 in damn near the same time frame. Yes, it could just be coincidence that Dad's recovery fell in line with my big sis's. A pulmonary embolism could be a corona virus side effect as well. It is just that he may have gotten over it on his own, and unnecessary and panicky medicine used by an orange asshole may have a reason for being deemed experimental. He is a ginger. Color is not my dad's thing.

After that kind of emergency, it is good to just rant a little. When my dad had a heart attack about 20 years ago, I panicked when I was awoken to meet them at the hospital, but as I drove over, my mind was coming up with snide remarks to kid around with. Of course I arrived first (I still think hearing that I drove like I was in Chicago as a complement during my time as a hotel shuttle driver.), so when Dad was carted in, I told Mom I needed a Coke. Dad is pretty appreciative of my humor, so he gave me a labored chuckle about me saying "If (some politician we despised or famous athlete) could beat this, you'll be fine."

"Me and My Mates vs. The Zombie Apocalypse" - A Mostly Positive "Oi, Oi, Oi"

My sense of humor did not sit too well with my younger siblings as we dealt with that scare. They said not being on edge made me seem uncaring or disconnected. So when I got the call from my little brother about his drive to the hospital, I played it seriously. Once he hung up the phone, I was trying to figure out something clever to say when I got a positive update. Something clever was what I wanted to offer, but I need to validate my concern, so "Be cool, I dealt with this 20 years ago. He's going to be fine," was held back. Dad did appreciate that when I told him that was how I was handling things.

He is out of the hospital, and he did not seem negatively affected by fraud warning in regards to the use of his credit card to buy Mom's Christmas gift. That bill could have floored many a folk.

Where do I stand right now after all of this excitement? I think I got myself back in order. When it was going down, there were selfish worries about how the worst case scenario would affect me, financially and familiarly. There was panic, but at the moment, I seem to be doing well at this adulting thing. These thoughts may have just crept on me to keep myself concerned instead of optimistic. It almost felt wrong to not think about the worst instead of just playing it be ear and be chill about it.

The only problem with the timing, aside from the worst case scenario leaving the bank high and dry with our senior banker starting paternity leave, was that I had to work at the bank and the retailer that day. This kind of miffed my little sister when I rebuffed her suggestion of calling in and coming up to Peoria. I suppose she just wanted a futile effort to be made to express my concern.

The 11-hour work day after a 40-hour week left me too tired to do anything when I got off the clock. I was in a haze which resulted in me watching one and a half "American Ninja" sequels on cable (ScreenPix). All I will say about those is that three may have been to convoluted. Four was the right amount of Cannon Group craziness to be a fun watch. When you are in that kind of state, you are too tired to poor the booze that seems so appropriate.

Thus, my Sunday was dedicated to New Japan Pro Wrestling, "Star Wars" prequels, and video game updates.  If that is your life, of course there is going to be eight hours of drinking at some point, 8 pm to 3:30 am in my case. It is a good thing this blog will never be a WWE devoted one. I was in bed by 9 pm on Monday. If that is the cost of drinking instead of hangover, I think I came out on top of that transaction.