90 Minute Family Video: "Absolon" and "The Ballad of Vinnie Jones"

I guess there are films that feature Vinnie Jones that I do not want to see. This is my latest discovery thanks to a month (Summer 2009) of trying to dedicate more time to renting instead of buying DVDs.

"Bog Body (Legend of the Bog)" seems to be too Syfy original (With a pre-WWE Sheamus in the film, I thought it was a fair assumption. it was not that ridiculous), and "Strike" starring Tara Reid must be wretched. You cannot bill Reid and expect a film to work. It only took E! one season to figure that out. The point is, unlike "X-Men: The Last Stand", "Hell Ride" and "Smokin' Aces 2: Assassins Ball", Vinnie's presence has no chance of making these films worthwhile.

The lack of Vinnie-tastic flair in the new releases leaves me going through the two-for-one dollar section at Family Video to find something interesting. Who knew Christopher Lambert has a movie that started with the Letter A? Sorry, I must have block "Adrenalin" from my mind. Come on. I cannot be the only one to think the "Species" chick was going to have a career outside of the series?

I still approach "Absolon" with some discretion. Lou Diamond Philips is no Ice Tea (Albert Pyun's "Mean Guns") and Canadian sci-fi is always an iffy investment (David Cronenberg's "Shivers" and "The Brood", regardless of opinion, can attest to that statement.) All it took the director of my favorite Bond film, (and nudity from that film's Bond girl) to buy a 25 cent VHS copy of "Point Men". That investment worked out, so I should have a little fate in the premier "Highlander".

And, you cannot say no to Ron Perlman. I have tried.

I did end up renting "Hellboy II: The Golden Army" and I sat through "Rats" on USA. You cannot mock those decisons if you are patient with Bruce Campbell, so how can this decision backfire? Christopher Lambert plus another above Bruce lister should equal cinematic joy. "Absolon" fits the equation and fifty cents is the right price.

Check out the rest of review at "Ninety For Chill: A More Acceptable Runtimes

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Straight to DVD - Locked Down - If that title doesn't express limitations….

MMA movies may not help promote the sport, especially when the struggling, non-fighting actors seem less enthused than soft-core porn actresses. Hams like Bai Ling and Vinnie Jones almost make the feature bearable, but "Locked Down" shows why there is no art to the modern mix martial artist.

Danny Bolan is an undercover detective who has been framed after a messy drug bust. Intent to distribute, laundering, and second degree murder charges have landed him in Blackwood State Penitentiary, the same facility that houses the majority of the felons he has put away. This includes Anton Vargas, the powerful convict who runs the prison and uses it as the headquarters of his underground cage fighting promotion.

Pathetic professional performers and wretched direction make "Locked Down" a complete waste of time. Aside from the named actors, the best thing about the picture is watching UFC fighters trying to act.

You do have to appreciate the acting from Rashaad Evans, Forrest Griffin, and Kimbo Slice. They make themselves larger than life, and may be able to cut it as pro wrestlers. If only they knew how to make their fake moves look believable.

One would like to think that it was the director's fault since the man could not even film simulated sex well (if it does not involved drunk characters portrayed by Oscar-winning actors, it is not supposed to be gritty or von Triers-esque), but you cannot convince us that he did not catch a single punch landing?

This just shows these fighters are barbaric and do not have a mastery of what they do. You can stiff someone and not knock them out. What hurts the argument that MMA will be around forever is that they need to rely on pro-wrestling moves to make the film's fights interesting. The worst thing they could have scripted was Kimbo power bombing an opponent. It only indicates that MMA will eventually run out of things to excite the viewership.

With the MMA in this feature being a letdown, the non-MMA elements need to shine, and they do not. The casting is horrid. If your lead actor's only tattoo is a tramp stamp, the audience cannot respect him. Perhaps knowing that is why Tony Schiena makes porn actors look like British thespians. When you cannot get respect, why try to even earn it. Mario Lopez understood that.

"Locked Down" could have been junk food, but turns out to be stale chips. Vinnie Jones is fun and Bail Ling's breast are nice, but the action is wretched with no sense of believability. This guy movie cannot keep a teenage boy involved because the director cannot even frame a set of boobs let alone a scene. If you cannot nail sex and violence, stay away from American entertainment.

The Midnight Meat Train - Takes us back to a better, bloodier time.

To bring Generation X back to our teenage renting practices might be what Lionsgate was looking for with Ryuhei Kitamura’s adaptation of a Clive Barker short story "The Midnight Meat Train". This was the time in their life when they would either go to a movie, or only visit the horror movie aisle of a video store and try to decide which film offered the coolest gore and quintessential nudity.

When a hip art dealer (Brooke Shields) tells Leon (Bradley Cooper of "The Hangover") that he is failing as a photographer, and suggest that he needs to be brave to capture New York City the way it really is. Convinced of this, Leon goes out late at night to shoot its seedier elements.

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During this quest to capture the dark side of NYC, he winds up crossing the path of a Mahogany (Vinnie Jones of "Snatch" and "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels"), a loner who always rides the 2:05 am train, and the missing fashion model he last saw boarding. Leon decides to follow him to piece together his case that he is culprit, and ends ups taking his girlfriend and himself to even darker subject matter.

When occult elements start appearing in the film, it leads one to believe that the story could not have had the photographer’s quest play as big of a part in its original form. We are discussing Clive Barker material, and he must always have a demonic element to his tales, so detective work inevitably end up being secondary like in 1995’s "Lord of Illusions". Demons are what his films usually advertise, so when they appear the viewer wonders, “did we need a twist?”

Especially when Kitamura had presented a scene that should give any horror fan me a gorgasm 20 minutes in. The action sequences are where the direction shines making sure never to waste any use of the gore which allows for an awesome climax too each scene. Otherwise, there was a lot of extra time taken for each shot which drags the film a bit. These shots are beautiful with their selective lighting, but just because the crew took a lot of time to get the scene to look great, does not mean you have to shoot the hell out of them.

The actors do a great job presenting the film. Cooper does what Ryan Reynolds tries to do with each one of his dramatic roles. That is presenting his straight character with a degree of arrogance that his comic characters seem to possess. It makes the viewer root for him instead of shouting at the screen, “you are only as valid an actor as Dane Cook is.” Vinnie Jones is awesome as Mahogany being the mysterious, unbeatable fellow who leaves us wondering what his story is.

The Midnight Meat Train misses a lot of chances to be the perfect slasher flick, but unforgettable horror sequences make this a must view by the genre’s fans. The DVD offers a commentary track by Clive Barker and Ryuhei Kitamura which may explain the abuses of talent, along with featurettes including one about Barker. These make the purchase of the DVD a meaty banquet for Barker’s fans, but only a shameful treat for any other film goers. The Midnight Meat Train is enjoyable, but not because it is a cinematic gem.