Hard Candy and One Act Films

We are not in Japan, England, or any other decent place in Region 2. If we pay $7 to $9 buck on a film (damn, $5 if we are at the den of temptation that is a Screw the USA Mart), we expect at least 90 minutes of entertainment.

"Hard Candy" starring Ellen Page of "Juno" fame's Amazon.com's synopsis "After a flirtatious encounter in an online chat room...the apparent pedophilic seduction morphs into something else entirely." And you wonder why it didn't go beyond FearNet TV.

If they wanted to make money on this title, the ad campaign should have been, "In a world where men avoid Chris Hansen, the pregnant chick from that movie with the none-McLoven skinny "Superbad" kid, is out for their balls."

Since it takes 30 minutes to get to what might be the money shot, I'd imagine the ADD public would walk out. They'd be so easy to distract, one could easily make them forget to ask for their money back.

Hollywood would have made this movie totally pointless if they were out to make money. Now that I think of it, how did "Misery" make any money. Kathy Bates wasn't big from a fame standpoint, and Stephen King's name doesn't sell movies.

FYI, it was John Carpenter, Tom Hanks and Morgan Freeman, whose names have successfully sold Stephen King movies...as for "Cujo", as long as it is not cast opposite of Ally Sheedy (Molly Ringwald fan over here), a mutt can sell anything.

Almost makes me want to throw puppies into toilet paper to really test the durability and softness of the product, but my puppy brutality blog will come later.

Back to the point, once Page has drugged Patrick Wilson, we then see him wake up in a chair, and we know what we want to see happen, we've already blown our wad (it isn't a sexist line, it's an MMA line...oh for the days of cussing and headbutts).

What happened when my exgirlfriend and I got to this point in the movie? I said, "it would be so much cooler if it was Michael Cera in the chair, and that would have been Diablo's true vision of her Oscar winning picture." Then I started to write this blog and she started to prep for bed.

Too bad this movie is not going to make us breakfast after this experience. Fortunately, no arms were gnawed off if the making of this blog.

Honestly, I can't say the film is bad. The dialogue up to the buster (I am referring to the John Hurt scene in "Alien" instead of the proverbial nut) is good, even clever, but the only thing different from this and "Serendipity" is that we might have a pedophile or the "how old is 14 really argument." Page's taunting of Wilson is cool, but we are kind of put in a weird position.

If he's a pedophile, "well your already pregnant what trouble can you get into," but if he isn't, are we going to cheer her on...I mean how much can we endure watching the innocent in pain.

Perhaps this was the director's point, but we'll need to comeback to it. No wonder FearNet put their commercial here. They at least gave us a piss to think about it.

In Japan, land of 45 minute long Anime Motion Pictures (be careful when you are buying bootlegs for $20 buck at conventions), this is all the crowd would have needed to justify 2000 yen. I refer to "Evangelion: Rebirth" and the original "Blood: The Last Vampire." People will still pay 15 bucks for "Un Chien Andalou" and that's only 17 minutes long...and French.

I remember asking a movie theater attendant during a midnight flashback film series, "What are you going to do with "Blood"? It's only 45 minutes long."
"It's three buck."
"Yeah, but last week was "Goodfellas"s for three bucks, how will you stop the violence?"

I didn't dare go that night. I doubt a crowd of college posers and anime fans would listen to the argument that there are one act plays.

From what I know, the movie theater experience is still a lot more special in Region 2, so perhaps they have more respect for art. In the meantime, I think only those who can appreciate great writing are willing to tolerate a one act play.

Funny, "The Simpsons" still gets good ratings when we only get 10 good minutes. I wonder if Fox will split the premier of the movie into a three night event.

Why go on and on about how we don't appreciate great art no matter how short it is? Because as a "Star Wars" fan, I can justify Episode 2.

We all wanted something bad ass to happen, and when Yoda whipped it out, the place exploded. Then it was straight to the ending. Kinda like the first "Hostel."

David Slade, if you want to make money and quit doing the Zach Braff thing from "Garden State" take some pointers from Lucas and Roth. I love Ellen's voice, why not make put "Hard Candy" an anime.