I hate to be pessimistic with any of my blogs. It just doesn't feel right to not have anything cynical or clever to entice the reader.
I'm the Silent Bob in my Kevin Smith-inspired world, and I'm in need of a chuckle head to kick off the conversation. I can tell that Amy story forever after that.
I am learning from the program, and was able to apply the lessons...I should say display the lessons learned over the weekend, but these lessons also lead me into further reinforcement of my negative beliefs.
Having to deal with other people car troubles over the weekend. Picking up Skullkrusher to park two blocks away from the building, and not having a match kinda tested my patience.
Add a parking ticket to pick up Mexican food after the show slid a disc in this camels back (question: pain or paralysis?). For 30 dollars, thank god it was more authentic than Taco Bell.
I left for the road from PHP with the group saying that I need to change something to enter the main stream to get the relationships I need to carry on. Hoping that fate or chance has anything to do with it is pointless. Fit in the mainstream or be miserable.
Almost sounded like be a sheep to get laid. What? You don't expect me to trivialize my issues in the name of humor?
Not being in the AAW show (as a worker, not a pussy) left me feeling that I can't even accomplish anything in my only passion. Since wrestling is my passion, I want to excel at it. The fun is being lost.
So, I can't accomplish anything 24/7. Maybe the ba ba bullshit is worth it.
Of course, I realize that trying to demand attention and stepping on people throats in the name of success, ain't me.
I'm to mellow, why waste words? Just so I can seem like everyone else. And my principle of not fucking anyone over, well mister third jersey and pin stripes won't budge.
I had a one-on-one with my case manager, and told him that I have boundary issues that lead to confusion, powerlessness, and hopelessness. This threw me off because my main flawed boundary is "telling everything about me" to people.
I'm ashamed of nothing, always been true to myself, but my belief system is going to kill me. Being everyone's best friend feels like a curse.
People get to know me, call me a great person, but don't tell me if I have any qualities that attract people. You don't know everything about me unless you get to know me. So what if I'm a good friend? The clowns and heart throbs will get the attention, so no one else can find that out.
Girls claim that being single is so worthwhile, that they can't give me a chance, and then find a boyfriend. I guess you can enjoy being single, but you are always looking.
Anne Frank dilemma. "Everybody is good deep down". I believe we all are like that as she did. Look where that got her.
How many times assholes have been chosen over me just leaves me to believe that being a decent human being is worthless. At least to myself. How can you love a loser?
So I can't accomplish anything, I can't be with anyone who makes me feel safe, and this leads me to believe I can't find a place in the world. I have no purpose. There will be nothing worth enjoying.
It leads me to believe that I'm missing something. The only ways to fill that is to be someone I'm not. All the evidence supports this belief.
My case manager left me with this. "You're trying too hard. Nothing is missing. You don't have any evidence that things will change, but you have to have faith to believe it will."
So I gotta be miserable until I have new evidence. Faith will save me. So it's not chance, it's divine intervention.
My mom and dad had sex to conceive me. There isn't anything immaculate about me. My last name ain't Christ. Divinity can't save me.
I'm still a religious person, but I never expected God to give me anything. Now I'm suppose to in the name of sanity.
Save me Penn Jillete.
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