March 16, 2007
Suicide risk assessment at it's highest. Too bad the scoring is like golf.
I ended up dominating my group therapy session today. Kind of an asshole thing to do when you are constantly being reassured that you are a good guy. How we got around to me I can't remember?
Either way, I'm going to blame my crying on being emasculated from the excess of estrogen in the group since I'm the only guy.
When I think about it, it was probably me reassuring everyone else they could succeed while I was a lost cause. As I have said, I feel used up. There is a sense of completion in that. A justification for ending it all. That I'm in PHP to talk my self out of that.
You're afraid of failure. You're afraid of the world. Accusations the therapist threw at me, and that the group backed up. Worst of all, they tried to relate their problems to it.
All I want is someone to be supportive. Not to relate their problems to mine. Just to back me up.
I'm not the type of person to say, well at least I'm not that guy. The situation is different for everyone. If anything, I feel bad for this person because they are struggling too. They probably receive more sympathy from me than I give myself. But I've learned now that they just want to know you'll do what you can to get them through it.
For me, they all have or had the resources to pull through. Someone to love them. Someone to be responsible for. Even if all they got are pets.
Pets are like kids. They shit where/when they're not suppose to. Someone's has to bathe them.
I am afraid of the world, but I know I have to face it. Damn it, I do everything I can do to face it. Try to socialize. Sorry that I act like someone else when their is potential for serious spinal injury. Sorry I don't bully people around.
"Like the bully the therapy group was. Aah," the future ex-girlfriend observed. This was probably just regressed man hate.
When I wake up in the morning, it's time to kick the world's ass.
Got to find a reason.
Reason things went wrong.
Got to find a reason why my money's all gone.
Oh how I now wish I had a dalmatian, or a line of China white. Thanks Sublime.
Unfortunately, I wake up not because I want to. I go to bed hoping I won't. I can't succeed anymore. I've done all I could. Will you stop making me try?
You have to change that belief, but you don't want to because it's comfortable. Bullshit! It isn't comfortable. I wouldn't be trying everything in my power to stop from offing myself if it was.
This is hell. I am suffering, but I'm healthy (no beer...vodka gut jokes please) so that I can keep suffering. Escape from the suffering is what I want. Something that hell prevents.
Now we see why I'm an Existentialist.
Russ "The Bus" is a good guy. He's always stayed true to himself. People want him around.
But this good guy can't meet his needs this way. And nobody seems to want to give me the love that he craves. No one will let him be one of the common people.
I lived to make unhealthy choices. Right or wrong. To me that's what a good person should do. It's idealism, but we all can act that way. Quit fucking people over. Common would be something undoubtedly good.
I guess I've been fucking myself over for this idealism. Trying to always succeed. Russ is a good guy. He hasn't done anything wrong. But what can he do to be all right?
What am I afraid of?
-Having to be the clown who demands attention.
-Being the asshole who will slit my throat to feel good.
-Maybe bears.
If I keep the faith, eventually it will all work out. Life will choose you. Not the other way around.
Fuck that. It's my life that God gave me knowing that I can fuck it up. I'm not going to sit back and tell myself to feel good because I am a good person.
He is a person who is worthwhile to others, and that's enough for them. He needs more, but there is a flaw that prevents that.
I can't make it on my own just because I'm a good guy. I need to be part of something that no one will let me in.
I'm sick of being pushed out because there isn't any space or because I'm not on the list. Please tell me how to tilt my hat the right way, so that I can get into this club...to dance and drink and screw because there´s nothing else to do.
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