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Monday, November 23, 2020

"Siberia" - Manitoba Makes It Look Too Nice

 The Elite Disgruntled’s Real World Heavyweight Championship Title History

*Blog post started on November 23, 2020.

Did I start thinking that Matchbox 20 was more than a hangover from the "Hootie and Blowfish" sound before or after Santana collaborated with Rob Thomas on "Smooth"? This query has come up because of my past weekend actually having some revelations. And of course these revelations are not positive ones because the line that came to mind was "I wish the real world would stop hassling me".

My older sister tested positive and is suffering from COVID-19. My ex girlfriend decided to accept my invitation to visit her cat without prefacing her RSVP with just got tested for the corona virus (low risk, but attended a funeral with cases emerging). My mom was so troubled by everything, I get the pressure of making sure I am going to be alright. After she calmed down when I told her my work situations are in order, my information in the event of tragedy was the thing to further hassle me about.

Thankfully, allergies are not letting me breath too much of anything in. Also, my allergies have left me with an emergency inhaler, so I got the gas ready if I am going to end up with the hot new virus. The testing sites had all closed by the time that I got the news and OSF URGO would not test me without symptoms. I have taken all the actions I can, but anxiety is leftover. Unlike the run up to the election, the politics are not there to exhaust me. As a result, it is back to the bottle and pot.

Yes, there was an attempt to try to incorporate Sublime's "What I got" into the last paragraph. What I need is a great big festering neon distraction to replace the orange fuck in the oval office who probably needs to learn to swim.

Curse this country's news holding pattern. It is very difficult to look forward when the past refuses to get out of the way. Worst thing about the past four years are that its revelers are infectious.

Last night, I think I have an idea for a satirical response to it all, but I do not want to give that away. It will probably eat away at me since the pandemic has locked down all places where creativity is facilitated and encouraged. And the Right says the virus was the libs fault. We are suffering without having outlets to create. They are suffering because they are being told to care about people.

All I can say for my idea otherwise is that it will be more interesting than the Keanu Reeve's starring "Siberia". Since Reeve's takes on all jobs between "Wick" films, perhaps I just need to shop my scripts to his agent.

 

Siberia (2018)

Lucas Hill's is an accomplished diamond trader for the international black market. His next deal in St. Petersburg, Russia, should land him a cut of $50,000,000, but his partner Pyotr seems to have gotten spooked and has gone into hiding in Mirney, Siberia. By offering a two percent discount, Hill is able to get his buyer to allow him two days to find his partner and collect all the stones.

Our protagonist is not greeted warmly in Siberia. Trying to be chivalrous when it comes to Katya, the owner of Mirney's only cafe, results in him being beaten up by some of the locals. Katya takes him in for the night, and the entire town believes that their must be something going on between the two. She reasons that if she is going to be declared the town slut, she may as well live up to it and offers to sleep with Hill who always sports his wedding wing. If it will assist him investigating Pyotr's whereabouts, Hill will oblige.

What Hill finds out is that Pyotr has the stones, and tried to sell knock offs to another buyer to double the profits. The location of the originals is still a mystery. This leaves Hill with no stones, no time left, and a mistress who he cannot get out of his head. You have to be clever in this field and ready to hustle. If this is the hand he has been dealt, he will play all of these cards to make it back to the States alive.

"Siberia" is a waste of time on all fronts. It wastes intriguing performances from its lead actors. The title and DVD artwork is misleading. And because it was a damn near direct-to-DVD feature, I assumed I saw a sub 100-minute run time posted at the Redbox. The extra seven on top of my standard 97-minute allowance means that I cannot use it to build on the NinetyForChill.com database.

Usually, I would prefer to shoot a visceral, two-minute movie review for the thaidurden YouTube channel, but this feature zapped the energy needed for that.

The feature's lead actors, Keanu Reeves and Ana Ularu, give performances that make you care about their characters, but with no action sequences or genuine hate towards the arrangement they find themselves in, the audience will be let down when the feature ends. There are some intense sexually driven scenes, but they do not result in anything significant. It is a shame because you want there to be.

Keanu Reeves is a great "every man" in this feature and almost all of his other films. He is stoic in most of his roles now, and I think that is how a lot of men think they should act. This performance being very grounded in reality makes me understand him better as an actor. I admire that he did not phone it in for this cheap feature, but that makes the time wasted seem even more valuable. If the film fails, everyone should fail to discourage anyone else getting invested.

My claim that the film is cheap is apparent through out. The atmospheres never seem authentic. Somehow, I do not thing Winnipeg is desolate enough to make me think of the Russian no man's land. St. Petersburg was probably visited, but we never get any expansive shots to feel like we are there. There are some action sequences, but director Matthew Ross cannot follow any of it. Do not even get me started on the the anticlimactic bear hunt.

When you think about the home of the gulags, you do not think about star-crossed lovers, so "Siberia" is a very misleading title. There is some cat and mouse play that makes you feel like this could be a spy thriller, but there are never any threats that feel real. If Siberia is a wasteland, than this feature is a literal interpretation of the title.

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