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Saturday, July 27, 2019

July 2009: Just because it's Michael Jackson doesn't make it 80's

Stuck inside because I don't have any money to go outside...or a good cause to beg for money. My apologies to The Goddamn Pimps, but it is just too much trouble to start a credit card tab at SOP's on a Saturday night.

The Peoria Theater cannot draw me out with their 80's double feature of "The Goonies" and "The Wiz"I am not objecting to the prior. That's grounds for taking "my child of the 80's" card away, and no matter how many times I wreck that edition of Trivial Pursuit, it won't be given back.

Of course, The Goonies, is everything that is good about the 80's. The only things missing from it are Corey Haim and a young black midget. That would have made the film perfect if it had Tony Cox ("Bad Santa") and Anne "Mama Fratelli" Ramsey kicking around Robert Davi and Joe Pantoliano. Imagine a Sloth/Cox showdown. The film was already 114 minutes long, may as well make it an even two.

Stevens Spielberg and Chris Columbus owe us six extra pages of ethnic and childhood obesity jokes. Why did they hold back? Chunk and Short Round are immortalized by you guys. They should be more than happy with further ridicule for eternal glory. Then again, Columbus has never been daring, but for the garbage that was only redeemed by Jonathan Ke Quan released a year earlier, Steve owes us ("The Color Purple" was not enough, especially for putting your name on the Bayformers franchise).

Or they owe Quan at the very least. The picture of him on IMDb is twenty-four years old. He still works on films. Can you just throw the Database some change to at least be a little more accurate for his sake?

I guess in year 1 AMJ (After Michael Jackson), some would argue that the King of Pop's presence would make The Goonies a project that Orson Welles would have happily ended his career on. And when I heard that the Peoria Theater was trying to attach "Moonwalker" to it as a double feature, I could see their point. Hell, I've been looking for an excuse to wear my pleather attire and make up at one time.

Sadly, there is no domestic DVD or BlueRay release of the 80's clas...tour de...puppet show. They could have asked the Peoria public to bootleg the film, but instead they settled on The Wiz.

If you want the night to still be about the 80's, get a copy of "The Lost Boys". It is a good Joel Schumacher film, and it has both Coreys. There is nothing 80's about The Wiz, an ethnic misinterpretation of a Broadway show.

I can claim it is a misinterpretation because I have heard of plenty of high schools with a 99.7% white campuses who have put it on. It is either a misinterpretation or us white devils shamelessly stole something from the black man yet again. Wasn't Michael Jackson enough?

There maybe 80's musicals that you could match up in a double feature with The Wiz. "Xanadu", "Can't Sop the Music"...all right perhaps I should appreciate them trying to put a good movie with MJ's only true cinematic work...outside of Moonwalker of course.

But when you think of 80's musicals, you think "Top Gun", "Flashdance", and "Footloose". Us children of the semi-attractive Linda Hamilton (she just got too butch for me, damn you Skynet), are not about big numbers and show tunes. Just because it has Michael Jackson in it, doesn't make it part of the Paramount musicals.

I wish the Peoria Theater well in their double feature and plan to be there for "Song of the Dead "and "Mil Masceras versus Aztec Mummy". Hopefully, you will not have a crowd that will be polarized between films about two totally different ethnic experiences: The minority scarce 80's and the Blackploitated 70's.

Perhaps I am just not of an open mind, or maybe I just want to guarantee I would enjoy my six hours of sitting. If only the hard liquor was not so expensive.

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