Reviewing "The Craft" To Clear the Way For More Stuart Gordon

 *Blog post started on February 16, 2021.

Stuart Gordon delivers another Lovecraftian feature, this one seeming more HP than Gordon. The film again shows how Gordon can work around any shortcomings including the CG effects that are definitely not ILM. Mermaids with tentacles instead of fins and flayings make this a must see for any gore fans. Ezra Godden is a great proxy for Jeffrey Combs. If it lacks anything, it is a character in the vein of Barbara Crampton.

The podcast has now lead to a back up in my written blogs. It is more of a principle thing that upsets me. There is a sense that I am selling out the written work for clicks. But the pods are getting me twice the clicks.

If there is a problem with the podcast, it is that I am running out of themes really quick. I have stocked up on Sean Bean films from Disc Replay, but how often can I afford to add other actors' sub 100-minute filmographies?

Yes, the Super Bowl earned me $300 (If only politicians can offer such immediate results as Tom Brady. I am just saying Donald should have tried the $2000 stimulus in June.), but do I want to move that money over to my checking and abandon sports gambling all together? I know Newcastle United is going to pay off on one of those 90+:1 bets.

In other words, I just ran up my retail job (Listen to the NinetyForChill.com - The Podcast if you want to know where I work.) credit card to buy more podcasting equipment. This leads me to think that I should just ask my folks to pay the yearly fee to a podcast host website for my birthday. The podcast is not like the blog, so they have no reason to object.

With that said, there will not be a podcast on March 2. Social media is how I promote and I do not want to receive those insincere birthday wishes from my Facebook "friends". Thus, that account will be down for a week. If you want to celebrate it, send digital liquor store gift cards to russthebus07@gmail.com.

An even better gift would be inquiries about my pro-wrestling, low-budget, zombie-comedy "Main Event of the Dead". I am more than happy to send out script treatments and would love suggestions on how to get this project at developmental hell. Send your advice or request to russthebus07@gmail.com.

As I finish typing out my plugs, I realize that I might just be writing this for the sake of practice. Do I have an actual subject to address? The answer is yes. Thanks for the edibles NuEra. This allowed me to skip (too stoned to record) the visceral review video, and create a need to write a review for what the girls at the bank think is a classic, "The Craft".

I think it might be nothing more than Breckin Meyer-sploitation. Did the producers think it could not be a hip chick flick if he was not playing a high school slacker?

 

 The Craft Polaroid Movie Poster - @gravegunk - Pinterest

 

The Craft

On her father's whim, Sarah Bailey has to restart her life in Los Angeles. It is the middle of the school year, so being noticed and making friends is an expected challenge. After being labeled a slut by even flirting with the football star, Chris, she decides that she may as well join the other outcasts.

At least their hobby of witchcraft will keep her busy. Nancy, Bonnie, and Rochelle were looking for a fourth anyhow to complete their spells. Sarah also offers an added bonus because she seems to be a natural witch.

Soon, their spells are coming to fruition. Sarah has Chris wrapped around her finger. Rochelle has her vengeance against the racist blond from gym class. Bonnie scarred skin has cleared up. It is only the most devoted and selfish follower Nancy who lacks the power she desires. Surely that will be remedied when she takes in the power of Manon, the being that is essentially all elements of nature.

Manon's power should allow for all Nancy's wishes to come true, but more importantly for this Wiccan circle, allow them to escape the consequences of their spells. Only Sarah is taking heed of what the Wiccan shopkeeper's warning. Black or light, the spell will come back to haunt the issuer three times over. 

First off: Witches but no black cats!?!

"The Craft" seems to want to be a cool teen girl-aimed film like "Clueless", but puts no effort into the dialogue to stand along side that classic. Without that, it is a pretty shallow and poorly paced narrative that depends on Hot Topic fashion to elevate the viewer's interest.

Witchcraft is obviously a fun thing to bring to the mid nineties, but with zero stakes until the feature notices that it is running long [This does not qualify for either NinetyForChill.com - The Podcast (under 100 minutes) or NinetyForChill.com - The Blog (under 97 minutes).] every challenge is crammed into the third act. This results in the only unique characters, Nancy (Fairuza Balk) and Sarah (Robin Tunney) turns and efforts as antagonist and protagonist being wasted along with any interesting special effects and visuals. All this movie does is show girls things they wish they could do. It is like me dangling a cat toy that Skimble wishes to devour.

And that is why I love my cat Eva. She is wise enough to know that the effort would be empty, and will not get off her ass to make any further effort than a couple of reaches.

I suppose this centering around escapism is cool for the target audience, but it just lacks heart. With the exception of the third act, the characters do not provide the story any heart. It could be chalked up to this feature being written and directed by men. Knowing that, the sequel released last year (Legacy) seems to be worth a view because it is being handled by a talented woman in Zoe Lister-Jones. That feature gets another selling point by knowing the original only earned its R-rating with a few F-bombs in another thinly-veiled effort to be edgy. PG-13 would have better suited this feature.

"The Craft" is nothing but a premise. It profited on its target audience getting a dark movie about teenage life, but is not daring enough and lacks any substance be it narrative or characters to live up to those expectations. This feature may as well have also been a musical to further hide the shortcomings. Give the girls music they can relate to, and I know this opinion would be a futile effort to express.