Hellboy 2: 2 Much or 2 Short

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The Next Terminator has to be John Cena, Ron Perlman, or Dwayne Johnson. But does he have to be white or off white?

And that's how you incorporate background noise into your opening statement. Why waste that one as a tweet?

It sucks going from a clever moment to a shameful confession. If it was not an American production, I hadn't seen Guillermo del Toro's work. There is no good reason. My only excuse is when it comes to DVDs for $9 at Wal-Mart, I have a tendency to buy brain rot.

"Ultraviolet", "Saw III", "The Marine", you get the picture (and I get a way to rap this review around). I wasn't trying to decay my gray matter, I just didn't want to think. For this I felt cowardly. Del Torro's work intimidates me if there is no Ron Perlman present. If I hadn't watched "Amelie" with my ex, the same would go for Caro and Jeunet.

Now, did I like "Blade II" and "Hellboy"? The answer is yes. His vision of Blade may have been to elaborate for a martial arts action movie, but the biggest flaws were made by the writer David S. Goyer.

How can you waste the talent of Norman Reedus ("The Boondock Saints"), Danny John-Jules ("Red Dwarf"), and Tony Curran ("Underworld: Evolution")? Will any American use Donnie Yen properly?

Del Toro may have been limited with Blade II because that was not his world. His style was too contrasting. He was able to nail Hellboy because America really wanted him to do the movie. After the success of "Pan's Labyrinth", a film that seems to be all about its imagery, his stock rose again, but this may not have been a good thing for "Hellboy II: The Golden Army."

The ad campaign for this film seemed to have focused on bright, grand visuals, and despite Del Toro's directorial ability is apparent with HB, the dark, claustrophobic world it was set in was part of its charm. I do not want to ever see Perlman in a bright environment. It just seems alien.

Del Toro with all is newly earned colors does not seem to be the right man for a demonic superhero movie. And now, close to two years after its release, I've inadvertently heard about some elements of the script that at first sound seem tacky. Thus, I am left very worried about the future of the HB franchise.

What if Del Toro feels that he has a right to go nuts with HB II due to his prior film's glory? The second lay after a marvelous orgasm will never seem as good because you are doing it to have the same feeling again instead of just enjoying getting laid. It would be unfair if Hellboy II: The Golden Army gets this treatment my Mexico's new super stud. Enough of my paranoia, let the potential cinematic donkey show commence.

Feeling that mankind is destined to destroy all paranormal beings on the planet, Elf Prince Nueda determines that he will call on the power of the legendary Golden Army to bring a new age to this world. He needs the three pieces of the crown and a map to find the army, both of which have been brought to the Bureau of Paranormal Research and Defense by his sister. It is now up to Hellboy to get past his troubles with Liz, and save the world once again.

The first Hellboy was not made to be a huge success. It knew it had a target audience (comic book fans), and was counting strictly on that to make a profit. Hellboy II may have been a victim of the priors surprising success, and created an ad campaign that used all of the bright imagery to show how the common movie goer should get behind it. Of course, Hellboy and even Guillermo del Toro are not for the common movie goer.

As for my fear that the light will conquer the quaint darkness, it can be dismissed. What you saw in the commercials is not what this film is about. As for my fear of a director going nuts, there is some truth to that in the films writing. In turn, the editing could have been better since Del Torro is trying to put his Lucasesque script into two hours.

I understand that Del Torro wants us all to relate to and like all of the films characters. The problem with that is not everyone in the supporting cast has to be as loved as the headliner. Abe's storyline (a love one) seems to be unnecessary because you already have one with Big Red. It is like giving C3-P0 a love interest (don't get into the R2-D2 argument). Better yet it is like giving Luke or Obi-Wan a chick (despite Mara Jade seems cool and wicked hot, the "Star Wars" novels suck). The point is George Lucas knew he only needed one per trilogy, so why try to put two into a comic book movie?

Which is the most glaring flaw with Hellboy II, it tries to fit too much into one movie. This film would have to have been three hours to get it right. We are given an interesting new character, but we need to pray for a HB III to make him worthwhile, and its message of tolerance towards freaks is lost whenever there is action to take place. This message becomes more of a disclaimer than anything worth delving into.

As for Del Torro's other job on the film, director, he does it very well. Blame the writing for the lack of surprises in the battle, but the material for the most part is directed well. The only issue I have with it otherwise is the shots which seem like the producers were begging for shots that immediately make us think of Pan's Labyrinth.

For those who just like to see Ron Perlman and Selma Blair do their niche audience thing, Hellboy II may be worth a rental. If you are looking for the next grand Guillermo del Toro film or just a good comic book movie, you are going to be let down.

Fortunately, his next film is "The Hobbit" and he has got Peter Jackson to keep him inline. Of course, I haven't seen "King Kong" yet, so maybe there is something to worry about.