Can Michael Bay Desecrate Everything We Love?

Current mood:  sad

The new "Friday the 13th", a film with potential because it immediately gives us the seven footer, but what exactly is this flick? A reinvention? An homage? Or messed up? With the involvement of Michael Bay, I lean towards the latter.

I won't get into a "Transformers" debate, and I liked "The Rock" despite it was overblown in every shot, but realize that Bay broke all of my motion picture standards.

These are:

• There is no such thing as a bad Ewan McGregor film ("Star Wars 2" is on Mannequin Skywalker),
• There are no bad Scarlett Johansson movies (I'll stand by any cat friendly comic book hero film),
• And Steve Buscemi cannot be featured is a garbage flick ("Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within had no Chocobos").

In the name of "awesomeness,"" The Island" screwed cinema up forever.

Just think back to the "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" remake which I thought was utter crap. It had potential...hold on...no it didn't. Since gore was the justification of the original's sequels, we knew what the classic relative bloodless classic could have been. The remake was 90 minutes that I have to force myself not to regret viewing it because their was nothing emotional behind the violence.

Fortunately, this film gave me the knowledge that R. Lee Ermey, sadly, isn't a guy who can star, so I knew I could skip "The Beginning".

A great beginning would have been an abusive Ermey driving Leatherface to the point of bathroom, chainsaw murder-suicide. That is why the direct prequels always fails. Sorry Short Round. Especially since you got replaced by Shia LaBeouf.

In its defense, if it even deserves one (at least number 3 gave Viggo Mortensen work), it was not a totally heartless effort. I'll give a damn about most Ermey products, and they at least thought they had a starlet as the lead. Personally, I feel Jessica Biel cannot act her way out of a paper bag, and she's a curse to any project.

She's why I haven't seen "The Illusionist", and after a look at her filmography on IMDb, I'll officially quit wondering whether or not I'll watch "Elizabethtown". And this is coming from a fan of "Vanilla Sky".

I'll also go as far as saying it wasn't the lack of directorial ability by David Goyer or the celebrity senility of Wesley Snipes that made "Blade: Trinity" suck. Ryan Reynolds's undeserved career along with even focusing on one of Biels's characters is trouble for any project.

Don't bother defending Reynolds. He delivers all of his lines as if he was terminally sarcastic. It's his only emotion and if it isn't funny, his dialogue is totally wasted.

Since we're discussing (okay, I'm ranting) about bad horror, you know I speak the truth when you look at "The Amityville Horror" remake. Which was another Michael Bay produced disaster.

When you look at what Bay's money is going towards, the horror will not come from these films. There is no doubt that all his "Nightmare on Elm Street" will give us are new Halloween mask and nothing more.

I will at least say with "Friday the 13th", these were all wretched films. How bad can his dough muck these up? Easy if Jason has to be awesome.

This isn't IWA Puerto Rico, FMW or even Wing. Jason in all other realms is an over-sized goof ball. He is Kane without a cool entrance.

So it's impossible to kill him, big deal. The only reason he can kill is because his victims are even dumber than him. We cheer him on because he takes care of who we want to see die. He doesn't have to be shot artistically, his mayhem just has to be unique. Like the "Jason X" and the virtual reality camper sluts scene, or his dual impalements, and his ridiculous decapitation reel.

And don't give him hell for killing chicks who put out. After we see their assets, do we really need them living to drag out a lame story even further?

Honestly, I'd see a lot of potential with the remake if better decisions were made. Why not stick with the homicidal mother and cast an A list star?

Sally Field did that "Say It Ain't So" shite, and with her Boniva, she's flexible enough for stunt work.

How about Judi Dench? She's British, so turning down work isn't in her nature.

A strung out Courtney Love would be perfect. I could even see Pam Grier kicking more ass. What? We can have a Black president, but Jason has got to be white?

Let's split the difference. Put the mom under a goaly mask, put a Whalers sweater on her, and you got a tasteful "Sleep Away Camp" ending.

There was so much potential, but in the end we are better off with seeing Kevin James transition to movie stardom.

That's what we need right now after the fall of "My Bloody Valentine 3-D". I'm can't be the only one who thinks bad horror can be smited by a fat guy and Hello Kitty paraphernalia.

With that being said, were Farley and Belushi's deaths really accidents, or could they have been the paranoid actions of the live action "Transformers" producers?

Maybe Spielberg killed John to further bury "1941".