Renaming the Friday after Turkey Day or Screw them Smurfs (version 2)

Current mood:  bitchy

I ask you, am I overly influenced by Kevin Smith's material? The psycho ex girlfriend would say no since I had not got around to reading the diary of his she bought me (in my defense, it is called "My Boring Ass Life"). Stef would say, "surprised you did not ask anyone to have sex with the corpse of Mr. Crispy," since that is the only box left unchecked on the list of what events have happened at both the Morton Travel Center and the Quick Stop.

Regardless of how much influence the Jersey boy has, Kevin Smith's latest film left me pondering something. A side from what happened in the four minutes I missed due to a flawed reel change.

With the election of Obama, should we still call Black Friday...Black Friday? Or is Obama not black enough to encourage such change?

In this politically correct world, some would say it's okay since it is not called Porch Monkey Friday (god I don't want to envision what dumb white people would do to celebrate it...it sounds like a good excuse for some fried ch...), but people do associate themselves with a color.

We know that to be true since whites do not want to be referred to as caucs. So if we are going to associate colors to negative days (discounts do not make the horrors positive), lets find one that a race does not take pride in their skin tone.

Green, well I don't want to give dirty hippies any reason to organize. The smell would be a biohazard that the Umbrella Corporation would not even claim.

Yellow, I know the Asians do not take pride in it, but they sure would be pissed. I don't even want to go into how crappy the Latin community would act over their color.

The Indians (with the feather not the dot) don't want to be called redskins, so I think red could be appropriate because the disassociation they are encouraging.

While I'm talking about Redskins, many say the Washington National Football League Franchise is in the wrong for being nicknamed with a racial slur. It would only be right if the mascot was a redskin potato. So how about this idea that is © 2008 Russ Stevens?

A plastic redskin potato with interchangeable facial features, a spear, and football helmet should be the mascot of a Washington DC based football team. He maybe a Spartan, a Gladiator, who cares? Could you just imagine the possibilities? Chick McGee mustaches and shoe accessories. Joe Theisman legs. Political Outfits.

And vegetable markets in New York, Dallas, and Philli could send their kids to college on the sells of potatoes for one season. What better way to welcome Washington fans with a display of mashed potatoes?

Now back to the shopping season where hopefully you may someday purchase the above idea that is © 2008 Russ Stevens. Red is about the only color that generally has negative connotations among all cultures. It's the color of blood, the devils who are not associated with Coach K, fire, etc.

It can be associated with life and that garbage holiday in February, but generally it represents violent death. And what better way to describe what happens on Black Friday?

With this argument, I imagine that there will be those who would want to change White Christmas. Why should us crackers get a positive day?

Because snow is white. It does not rain ash in December unless you are in the Pacific Rim. A rain of blood would deserve its own holiday (06/06 at 6 am), and may also occur on what is still Black Friday. We do not want to imagine anything brown or green or falling from the sky on the birthday of Mary's crazy kid. And only a rash of incontinent dogs could create a yellow one.

On that not may you enjoy some Bing Crosby and Danny "Fucking" Kay shit this December.

After this long rant about colors, I now realize that I missed the point of Black Friday. It's about retailers ending up in the black, so red would be excessively depressing. So here is the solution:

Use blue ink and have a Blue Friday. Who am I going to piss off, midgets (Smurf joke)? Those Snorks can have any pastel colors the queers won't take. The only other problem I see is that New Order song, but come on, everybody just remembers the Orgy cover now.

Regardless of the color, just be safe this November 27.

laughtard.com