Where is the feedback indeed?
Realized I can't feel comfortable around anyone. I just feel I shouldn't trust. It's not like there's anyone who wants that chance.My acquaintances in the CU (on Facebook) were concerned about me over that tweet, at least asking me "Are you okay?" Thus a moment of hope. Oh the gods how I hate hope. After I gave my story about how fate has shit on me the moment I tried to improve my station in life, I addressed the tweet. The latter portion was probably what helped inspire me to write tonight (aside from a lack of activity at the hotel as I try to use every minute offered to me).
"Those I would like to know will not allow me to develop a relationship because of their trust issues. Those who express concern consider me a pet so they feel good about giving me a role."One person expressed concern after the explanation of my plight. She was a friend I've known for years (I'll spare her shame of going further), but we only talked every few months in her efforts to hang out and (I'll spare her the shame again). It happened to be one of those phases, for a change though, I had initiated the communication.
She said she missed me and we meant to hang out on Friday. This was before I sent the tweet out, so I told her if you think you could have a good time with me, we can hang out. She said she had Friday night off.
Friday came, so I gave her my schedule and when to get a hold of me. Three hours and 30 minutes later, she finally said where we will meet. An hour later she, she said she was going to bed because I did not ask for her address.
Needless to say, I was upset for getting blamed for this since she had strung me along more nights than we actually hung out. So I asked why she keeps talking a big game and always coming up with an excuse (typically weed or sleep) for cancelling. She came back and attacked every aspect she could find about my personality. Thank the Gods she has no concept of depth. If she was irritated about what she said she/I was, if she knew me, her brain would have imploded.
This experience left me thinking of a couple thinks.
One: I'm a shitty pet, so I feel good about sparing the concerned by not playing that role. This girl said it was just impossible to read me through all my sarcasm. Which is weird because our conversations were mostly text messages. Her excuse is her cowardice made her read things that weren't, but later insisted just had to be. They had to be because of the sarcasm I only spoke in during the handful of times we hung out. I now realize that she mistakes sarcasm for cynicism. If she had self-esteem, she would have known I am too honest to use sarcasm.
I'd like to believe that she was just paranoid, but I look back at the past girls I've lived with, the problem maybe me. It seems no one can take my nature out of fear that it may turn on them. With the exception of the first roommate, creative criticism is criminal (gotta love the alliteration). The first roommate (a hope-raising cunt who I last knew was is Champaign) must have been creative enough to give it back. Too her benefit, she was also smarter than me. She was just as tough as leather, and you got admire that when you consider her complexion.
Two: Maybe my suicidal thoughts are a result of not wanting to live in an uncivilized world. It's like how people rationalize not having children in a godless world. If only my existence were more noble, but when cats only have a limited life span, what am I to do when Evangeline leave me.
One of the persons with trust issues told me I need to have a child to solve the issues of my existence. Needless to say, fostering kids was her solution. Just stating that to cover the first portion of the tweet.
The claim of civilization's demise is that the response always seems to be to destroy the critic.
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