Truck Stop Thoughts 2007: Gayest Blog Ever

Current mood: depressed

Let's see. I don't want to bug my readers by posting my latest, "Wish Cindy's cat would smother me in my sleep" journal, so let me finally present the world with the gayest blog ever.

I am not saying that I will not post that fatality by feline fantasy (I kinda got an Ezra Pound like love for my work), so please say a prayer for something positive to inspire me in the next week.

"I was going to call it Peterland, but the gay bar by the airport already took it," Peter Griffin, President of Petoria.

Seth McFarland showed me how far behind Peoria is with the times. Peoria lacks a great gay bar.

No offense to Diesel...Visions...whatever that place on main with the rainbow flag is called, but all P-Town has is a techno bar, and a convenient place for free condoms.

Who really wants to go to depressing dives like the health department or Plan Parenthood? If you are going to PP for condoms, screw that. If you are there, spend the 32 bucks so that you can have sex with some sensation. Why is it Plan B instead of Luxury A?

Diesel shows us that tax payers' money need not go to health departments (so suck on that Michael Moore), but it doesn't show me any guys I'd like to nail.

Is catering to the metro audience worth denying us male eye candy?

Peoria does not advertise itself to the homosexual community since sub par pirates of the backside are its representatives. There is no reason for people to come out to Diesel.

The area is obviously homophobic. Too many country music stations, and a lack of queer bar by the airport (and lack of service to SF). It's either homophobia, or just a taste for incest.

The classic assumption is that homophobes are closet cases. Perhaps with an outlet, we could make everyone in the area a little less uptight (believe me that pun was inadvertent).

My theory is that we are not making coming out attractive enough. No, it is that we are not making it obvious enough.

Why should the anally fixated (thanks Stef for adj) go to a place where they have to wade through drunk chicks who are trying to "experiment", and whose drink specials are Pucker shots.

What about fuzzy navels of other shots with sex related names? If you are out at Diesel on a weekend, you are obviously looking for a blow job. What about Mojitos? Mojitos...may not sound gay enough I guess.

What Main Street needs is a bar that the "Buy Now" singlets on E-Bay that are too gay for the wrestling business are the encouraged dress code of the wait staff. This would make my searches for wrestling gear a lot easier. A bar that caters to gays that would even make me question this straight gig (What can I say, I know they want me).

More importantly a bar that screams FABULOUS. Like:

The Cock Dock

The Adam's Apple (Stef thinks that the bar on Main that had that name was misleading)

Peoria's Pals (the name shouldn't be exclusive to unwanted pets)

Man-i-a

The Smoking Polar Bear

PRIDE and Joy of Illinois

Cumming and Goings

Any other suggestions?

Peoria just needs to be more interesting, and have more places that play techno. Perhaps all cities need Freaky Fuckin' Fag Franchises.