10/9/11: Hockey Season and The Humanoids that Hate Obama

After watching the home opener of the Peoria Rivermen, I'm glad my budget keeps me away from the rink more that once a weekend. Since Peoria winters are long without a local wrestling promotion, what else am I going to do with myself until Oscar season except follow the Rivs?

They lack everywhere, so if the Blues do not leave us with something worthwhile beside their mascot's little brother (did Seth MacFarlane claim the Captain was infringing on "American Dad."), it could make for a long, cold season. Maybe coaching can make up for it. Hopefully Coach Bednar realizes that if you can't offer defense or offense, you got to goon it up. At least give us a distraction from the non-Canadians in the arena.

It was opening night, so everyone was there. Families, drunks, mullet dawning newlyweds, etc. In other words, Carver Arena was the bowl for a stew of intolerance that makes you wonder how hateful fans would be to each other if any minorities were present on the ice.

White America, so hateful that we will look for differences to justify hating each other instead of committing to our actions. Just so you Facebook-closeted conservatives know, you didn't vote for Obama because you wanted to prove you weren't racist (unless you're an idiot), you voted for him because you wanted change. Too bad you were to cowardly to sacrifice and commit to the cause of change.

OCCUPY ARE THE REAL HEROES IN THIS COUNTRY AT THIS TIME. THAT WILL ONLY CHANGE IF SEAL TEAM 6 GETS TO CLEAR OUT WALL STREET.

Otherwise, the armed forces are not protecting our freedoms, they only support the worst concepts of American imperialism responsible for all except World Wars (and it did fuel WWII) and Desert Storm (if the Iraqis wanted rid of Saddam, they should have done it themselves).

If the Rivs would have only dropped the gloves after the 50 minute mark being down two goals, maybe the "anti" American aggression in this blog wouldn't be present. Not to pigeon hole #4 to become an enforcer, but his last name is Punch.

Another way for me to not be so pissy is if the Rivermen owners and the Civic Center could come up with promotions to service the unique demographics that come to their games. The parents who objected to the offensive languages of the drunks who probably stopped in Peoria while they were en route to catch their beloved Stain Tampons (aka the Cardinals) play the Brewers were probably in the right, and the guy who wasn't drunk because he probably lacked friends to get tanked with was an asshole for defending them was in the wrong, but Sundays are for families (the games end before the brats bedtime).

Once the groom with the mullet decided to lay down the law in the family's favor, I thought the drunks and lonely douche should have been ejected because as long as a guy in a blue bear costume is there, Rivs hockey is for the family, at least for that night. Cannot tell the kids to put on ear muffs for 60 minutes because drunkenness implies that freedom of speech must be expressed.

It was opening night, so Peorians are supposedly to united, but it left me thinking about the other 39 home games. They are not going to get 7,000 people into the stands again until the play off chase or the guest appearance of the "Twilight" actor with the worst agent. Might as well cater to the guys and gals who chose not to reproduce or expose their kids to a sport that encourages fisticuffs to settle grievances.

On the topic of fighting, that is my solution for cases when someone is guilty, but there is enough doubt to keep them out of prison. Let the victim's families get five minutes to beat the shit out of the defendant. As long as you do not leave them dead or in the condition of a San Francisco Giants fan, justice is undeniably served.

Now back to four hockey promotional nights that came to immediate mind. I'd like to make it five, so please send me suggestions.

1. R-Rated Night:

I'd like to say no kids allowed night (NC-17), but because there are supposed to be competent, liberal parents out there (I know, that maybe a myth), we cannot keep them all out. This would be the night where drinks are sold beyond the second intermission, all language is appropriate, and instead of a kiss cam, there would be a tits cam.
It's either boob flashing is permitted, or Megan and the Ice Girls have to wonder the arena topless. These attention starved girls are cheerleaders because they do not want to be strippers, so asking them to wear hockey socks without the sweaters would be wrong.

2. Nursing Home Clearance Night / Labor Induction Night.

The concept is more of away for me to be twisted than being a promotional event, but I think it maybe popular in spite of this.
This could save Medicare. If we put fans who are 70 years-old and beyond below the top of the glass, heart attacks may result when these old folks are surprised by the 90 mph pucks meant for their skulls. I'd actually like to see a night where we have a reason to get rid of those stupid nets.
As for the expecting mothers, I thing the scary pucks may result in a quickening of their natural processes. The insurance money does not have to pay for the process, so again, an another event that would be encouraged.

3. 8-Bit Night:

It may be tough to get the American Hockey League to agree to only penalize the losers of the fights like in the Nintendo Entertainment System classics "Ice Hockey" and "Blades of Steel," but I don't see a reason why we cannot play "Gradius" during the intermissions on the million dollar score board.

4. Riot Grrrl Night:

What better way to celebrate the strength women posses than to encourage everyone to be womanly? As long as you wear a skirt, half off admission. It seems like an appropriate promotional night for October, coinciding with breast cancer awareness, and if we are going to recognize the release of an influential album, why not celebrate a positive influential movement helmed by the person who knew Curt Kobain's scent? Now, where do we permit the Grrrls to decorate a venue dedicated to men's sports with feminist and civil rights themed graffiti?

Sports should try to give everyone a reason to attend them, not soley the die hard nuts. Anything that will make Peoria seem more interesting has to be encouraged. And if the tea party wins out, and I can't wed a Canadian Shimmer Athlete for citizenship, you gotta at least do this to make the prison the United States will become tolerable. No cruel and unusual punishment.