I worry a lot. That is an understatement, but recently it seems to have totally shut me. All I can think is that with knowing my life has to change, it feels like that change will be an end to pursuing my passions, wrestling and writing.
It seems my existence will solely be about surviving. If I survive long enough, surely something good will finally come my way. Focusing on the pursuit of resources to sustain my survival is my only option, so I cannot chase down my dreams that are supposed to reward my dedication. My dedication was for not, hence I feel like I am a failure.
No one gives a damn about me now, so I guess going to a place where no one will care about me should not be as dramatic as I am perceiving. I am just sick of being nothing but a footnote in a world that rewards assholes. If the only thing I know about focusing on surviving instead of pursuing is that the inconsiderate will have the advantage, then I am not making a change. There is nothing life has to offer me.
If I don't have anything to say that kisses someone's ass, no one cares. If I speak my mind without issuing a single insult, I'm told I deserve my present predicament. My current world has justified why I don't have any value. Since I don't plan on changing from being honest and considerate, one would assume I'm doomed in the next world.
Thank God I'm an atheist so I shan't worry about the world after the next.
I suppose I shouldn't worry about any stage of my life. At best, my existence is neutral. Because I exist, people will tell me to cheer up. People will tell me that as long as I keep on living, I'll be fine. Countless friends have told me that I'd be a great husband or parent when that time comes.
But for the past seven years, all I am worth to anyone now is lip service. At 35 years old, why would I believe the person I am is worth anything more?
If I change, I may end up in a bigger location. Law of averages dictates there will have to be people who'll care about the person I am. When you've failed 300,000 times to find that, the likelihood is missing will continue. I'll have to rely on luck, and that means I've failed if the person I am can't get anyone to care.